A look back at 2003

It’s probably compulsory, nay, traditional, at this time of year to rake over the ashes of the year past in order to divine a truth or learn a lesson.

Whilst we strive to fulfil this obligation, here are some of the best bits and awards from hieonline instead…

Demise of the Year
The Last Post for the much valued and popular Government-endorsed Which? Web Trader Scheme.

Salutary Lesson of the Year
8* %$)x”! Haulage, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

The adage that a chain is only as strong as its weakest link was thrown into sharp relief with the sorry e-tailing tale of a cowboy hat that makes it across the Atlantic from Kansas in three days and then takes a fortnight to travel the last six miles.

A fulfilment horror story.

Poetic Licence of the Year
Adapting the works of Robert Burns to the issue of web browser compatibility was a quantum leap. Strangely, though, to “see oursels as others see us” proved rather apt.

From 'To a Louse' (shame it wasn't in, To a Mouse) the full verse is:

O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us
It wad frae monie a blunder free us
An' foolish notion
What airs in dress an' gait wad lea'e us
An' ev'n Devotion

Translating from the Broad Scots this last stanza is:

Oh, that God would give us the very smallest of gifts
To be able to see ourselves as others see us
It would save us from many mistakes
and foolish thoughts
We would change the way we look and gesture
and to how and what we apply our time and attention.

Sage words to bear in mind when designing your web site.

Unlikely headline of the Year
Sole contender for this one. Without a doubt it was “Mutant spiders spammed my guest book”.

By way of explanation, this headline referred to a story about search engine software being genetically modified by spammers to target web site guest books.

Domain name development of the Year
And the winner is dot web site. Tipped to become as big as .com, dot web site is a new top level domain being marketed by WebSite.ws on behalf of the government of Western Samoa.

WebSite.ws is the official registrar of the top level domain and is now the 37th fastest growing company in the States. Among its customers are blue chip clients such as Intel Corporation, Cisco Systems, Inc., and Yahoo!

Dodgy song lyric quotation of the Year
Again, the field was narrow for this award. The winner was quoting The Who’s song, 905 in an article on searching the web with commonly used phrases or expressions. Hence, “Every sentence in my head, someone else has said.”

PC-ness of the Year
One in eight of the population is left handed, and new research points to this figure growing in future. Although designed for right handers, it’s ironic that 57 per cent of a keyboard’s output is done by the left hand.

Left handed computer equipment is available, but at a premium. Sinister keyboards, so to speak, retail for about £89. For this the number, page and arrow keys are placed on the left instead of the right. This means not having to reach across the keyboard or twist the body to reach these keys as on a standard keyboard.

A left handed mouse (!?!) will set you back up to £75 depending on the size of the user’s paw, er, hand.

Unnecessary footnote based on author’s direct experience of the Year
Apropos the computer mouse, circumstances led to the temporary use of a Mac mouse on a Windows laptop.

After the initial surprise that the PC lappie even recognised the addition of a one-button Mac mouse, came the realisation that right clicking, or left clicking, for that matter, still required input from the Trackpad.

This one is good for 55 words.

Amusing anecdote of the Year
Evidence, if evidence were needed, that the internet has pervaded our lives and changed everyday language was displayed by a phone conversation the author had.

Author: …Yes, I tried calling you last week but couldn’t get hold of you.

Fred: That’d be Thursday or Friday then. I was trying to shake off a virus on Thursday, but by lunchtime I had to concede defeat and go home. Lost about a day and a half because of it.

Author Was it Blaster?

Fred: Blaster?

Author: Yeah, the Blaster Worm.

Fred: Nah, it was more of a heady cold and dodgy tummy kind of virus.

Author: Sorry. Just immediately assumed there we were talking about computer viruses.

Fred: Funnily enough, this isn’t the first time I’ve had this conversation this week. There’s been a couple of other people thought the same thing.

Top download of the Year
For the second year running the honours go to the desktop collaboration tool Groove Workspace.

You can download the preview edition as a 60 day business trial or for personal use. It’s a 19MB download, so this should take around 46 minutes or so on a 56k connection.

You may wish to take a look at the demo movie first.

Top tip of the Year
That Linux would make real in-roads in the enterprise marketplace. Find out more about Linux at http://www.linux.org/info/ and http://www.linuxhelp.net/guides/

Humanitarian act of the Year
Email attachments, don’t you just love ‘em?

First, we’re paranoid about opening them in case they’re infected. And then half time the attachment won’t open...ggrrrr. Or, just as irritating, open up as complete and utter 0M8R4KGxGuEAAAAAAAAAPgADAP7/CQAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABAAAAAQAAAAAAAAAA +////AAAAAAAAAAD/////////////////////////////////////////////

So what can the poor online worker do? Find out here

Animal welfare champion of the Year
Extend the life of your mouse? Yes, it’s true. You can expand the lifetime of your mouse. And all it takes is a cotton bud or plastic pen top.

So before you chuck your trusty roller ball mouse away, try some TLC first. Five minutes could save you having to splash out on that new fangled mouse with three buttons, no tail and a wheel on its back.

The telltale symptom of a mouse in need of some attention is a sluggish cursor that moves only after you have completed a mini marathon across your desktop.

What you need to do is turn your mouse onto its back and remove the circular plate surrounding the ball. A quarter turn anti-clockwise is all it takes and the plate and ball will drop out. (Don’t lose the ball – it’s vital to the plot.)

Peer into the cavity you have now revealed and you’ll find a variety of crud, biscuit crumbs and fluff gumming up the rollers inside.

A cotton bud dipped in a tiny amount of meths will clean the rollers in no time. Just be careful not to spill the meths over your desk. And it’s probably a good idea not to smoke while carrying out this operation. Clean the mouse ball with a damp cloth and gently tap out any stray dirt.

Alternatively, a plastic pen top gets the job done. But be gentle, too much force and you can damage the rollers and paralyse your mouse instead.

Fitting, as they say in those car workshop manuals, is a reversal of removal. Only, this time, we didn’t have to remove the engine first.

A regular spruce up will keep your mouse gliding for ages, depending on how manky an office you keep.

Surprising as it may seem, the humble mouse’s entrails get clogged up by dint of its use. Moving the mouse around on its wee mat creates static electricity, which attracts dust and all manner of detritus within a radius of approximately 6.357 kilometres, evidently.

Google as Big Brother story of the Year
An Australian web site lets you check your rep on Google.

Type in your name or product and Googlism comes up with a snapshot of what Google is telling the world about you.

Purely in the interests of research and accuracy, we entered broadband for business and discovered that:

broadband for business is being driven forward by highlands and islands enterprise
broadband for business is being driven forward by highlands & islands enterprise
broadband for business is enormous
broadband for business is both fast and efficient
broadband for business is always connected
broadband for business is up to 40 times faster than a standard dial
broadband for business is in the pooled connection and subsequent lower network admin
broadband for business is available in all of
broadband for business is similar to removing the bottlenecks to access the backbones of the internet
broadband for business is a different sub

We rest our case...

Paranoia-inducing story of the Year
Sensitive commercial information that you’d prefer customers, suppliers or rivals not to see may be leaking out of your business every time you send an email attachment or create a downloadable document for your web site.
Create, work or circulate documents on any type of MS Office document like Word or Excel and a multitude of background details can be uncovered by a knowledgeable recipient. More